Monday, 14th December 2009, marks the second month of when you said those 2words. Since it's been 2months, so why do i feel like it's like just yesterday? the feeling of losing something of immense value, and such.
Well, back then, it was my fault that i left you at the table while going to the other table to talk to them for quite sometime, asking you to go home earlier because i wanted to go out with kai hua after you had waited for me to whole afternoon, just for my exam to end. Sorry. ( I doubt you will see this because you would never visit my blog anymore , and i'm not sure whether i'm to text you or not . Let fate decide . )
But when it comes to matters of the heart, fate cannot decide what lies behind for you. Also, when the trust between a couple is broken, it is very hard to mend it back, and there will be lots of pain because ''Love without pain is just a crush. Love is felt when a heart is crushed. ''
And it does hurt till now. I have never been so serious before in my life. My primary school friends all say that when i was in primary school, i was like going around sending ''i love you '' messages to girls. And secondary school, life started to change. However, it was ONLY after i met you, that i did change for the better. My percentage of getting into trouble was lowered, and with you, i could see forever so clearly.
Hurting.. Been hurting... Still hurting...
All i want for Christmas, is You.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
You took away the biggest part of me . . .
I have to admit that i am too used with you in my life. Everything was different back then, before things turned the way i did not want, definitely. It's like i could see forever with you, and when i held your hands, i know that it fits perfectly.
The kisses you would give me upon request, pointing to my cheek, makes it even more special and meaningful. Been through everything together as ''we'' and not ''you'' or ''i'' , and to me, i know that there would be 3years, 4years, 5, 6, 7, 8, 20, 30, 40, 50years, because i have never intended to stop loving you from the night we started out. True, times we have quarreled, but after every storm, things would be fine because we would give in to each other..
When i was sick, you accompanied me to the polyclinic after your training, i remember every single thing you have done for me, and it still hurts me whenever i think back of everything every moment. i think of you every second - it is easy. but missing you is the heartache that has been with me all these while, showing no signs of leaving me.
Looking at places where we had special memories, make me even feel more depressed, almost everywhere in ang mo kio we have had special moments, be it this corner, that angle, that turn, that escalator, this , there, everywhere. You might not know that i still love you deep down inside my heart, and that love will live on and never leave.
Nothing feels right now . . .
Fly me up, give me hope.
The kisses you would give me upon request, pointing to my cheek, makes it even more special and meaningful. Been through everything together as ''we'' and not ''you'' or ''i'' , and to me, i know that there would be 3years, 4years, 5, 6, 7, 8, 20, 30, 40, 50years, because i have never intended to stop loving you from the night we started out. True, times we have quarreled, but after every storm, things would be fine because we would give in to each other..
When i was sick, you accompanied me to the polyclinic after your training, i remember every single thing you have done for me, and it still hurts me whenever i think back of everything every moment. i think of you every second - it is easy. but missing you is the heartache that has been with me all these while, showing no signs of leaving me.
Looking at places where we had special memories, make me even feel more depressed, almost everywhere in ang mo kio we have had special moments, be it this corner, that angle, that turn, that escalator, this , there, everywhere. You might not know that i still love you deep down inside my heart, and that love will live on and never leave.
Nothing feels right now . . .
Fly me up, give me hope.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
If you could see.
If you could see, i'm the one who understands you, been here waiting all the while. Then things will be different...
Many things happened, things changed drastically, and me? Still being a dickhead.
Whatever we have been through makes it even harder for me to give up on you, yes.
The reason i went for the interview on 2oct was to hope that i would get the job, so that when i get my pay, every single cent will be spent on you. I had only that on my mind, you said when i take my pay, then i treat you eat big big good good food, can you still remember?
Job taken, lost you. Er, what was i doing when i was working in the shops? Thinking about you, what you said, and those days were really hard to get through. Always getting scolded by boss, always being distracted. When i don't think about you, it is worse, either way the feeling of losing something of immense value comes..
Just... why?
Maybe i'll understand it someday, maybe i will never, no time.
No chance was given to me right from when you said the 2words, just faint vision of possibilities... As much as i wanted to, i couldn't.. So, what i did? I wrote lengthy essays, came up with quotes, messages, and more.. I explained things you always wanted to hear, but i know that it will never be enough...
I did what i did because i was afraid of losing you. i wouldn't have bothered had i not loved you so much, and now, i still do, even more than before.
Maybe someday you'll realize that i will always be standing and waiting behind you should you fall. i'll always be the one who catches you when you fall.
Maybe.
I wish, to build it to the end with you.
Many things happened, things changed drastically, and me? Still being a dickhead.
Whatever we have been through makes it even harder for me to give up on you, yes.
The reason i went for the interview on 2oct was to hope that i would get the job, so that when i get my pay, every single cent will be spent on you. I had only that on my mind, you said when i take my pay, then i treat you eat big big good good food, can you still remember?
Job taken, lost you. Er, what was i doing when i was working in the shops? Thinking about you, what you said, and those days were really hard to get through. Always getting scolded by boss, always being distracted. When i don't think about you, it is worse, either way the feeling of losing something of immense value comes..
Just... why?
Maybe i'll understand it someday, maybe i will never, no time.
No chance was given to me right from when you said the 2words, just faint vision of possibilities... As much as i wanted to, i couldn't.. So, what i did? I wrote lengthy essays, came up with quotes, messages, and more.. I explained things you always wanted to hear, but i know that it will never be enough...
I did what i did because i was afraid of losing you. i wouldn't have bothered had i not loved you so much, and now, i still do, even more than before.
Maybe someday you'll realize that i will always be standing and waiting behind you should you fall. i'll always be the one who catches you when you fall.
Maybe.
I wish, to build it to the end with you.
Monday, December 7, 2009
'Meaningless' for Joshua
MEANINGLESS messages from Joshua to Cheryl.
When was the last time this happened?
But, this is an indication of the state Joshua is in now.
Trying to win her back virtually a lost cause, N-level results to be in a mess, op still in a mess pending; there's only some pride left to salvage if i make it all the way, despite feeling all the hurt and ruins for so long already.
If it hasn't hit yet, the true measure of Joshua's humiliation in Love will hit home when he cries and moans every night to bed.
Joshua has only a lonely christmas night to look forward to. That will not help Joshua in his confidence and in the future. Joshua does not know how he is going to approach it.
Joshua is in a position where he cannot change what has happened, and the situation he finds himself in..
Joshua says, '' Yes, i am regretting the wrong things i have done which caused things to turn out today, saying things which i should have said long ago, hoping that it is never too late.. At least i can try harder in my next lifetime if i'm still human, to give myself something to be happy about.''
Even that might not be enough now..
Why didn't you try your best when you had the chance to, Joshua?
DEAR JOSHUA,
It was yes another disappointing day for you. I don't know if there was something wrong with you, but from the very start, i could feel that you didn't even give your all, did you?
It was totally Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. She put in more effort than you right from the start. And your efforts ONLY intensified when she said those two words. Isn't that too late already, Joshua?
Compare your motivation and dedication now to a few months back - you were definitely more motivated and dedicated. But even that might not be enough now.
Is it because you think that she still loves you?
This can only mean one thing : If you had not done what you did earlier, my dear Joshua, you wouldn't have kissed the one you love goodbye.
Buck up Joshua !
Let me be somewhere in your heart... ):
When was the last time this happened?
But, this is an indication of the state Joshua is in now.
Trying to win her back virtually a lost cause, N-level results to be in a mess, op still in a mess pending; there's only some pride left to salvage if i make it all the way, despite feeling all the hurt and ruins for so long already.
If it hasn't hit yet, the true measure of Joshua's humiliation in Love will hit home when he cries and moans every night to bed.
Joshua has only a lonely christmas night to look forward to. That will not help Joshua in his confidence and in the future. Joshua does not know how he is going to approach it.
Joshua is in a position where he cannot change what has happened, and the situation he finds himself in..
Joshua says, '' Yes, i am regretting the wrong things i have done which caused things to turn out today, saying things which i should have said long ago, hoping that it is never too late.. At least i can try harder in my next lifetime if i'm still human, to give myself something to be happy about.''
Even that might not be enough now..
Why didn't you try your best when you had the chance to, Joshua?
DEAR JOSHUA,
It was yes another disappointing day for you. I don't know if there was something wrong with you, but from the very start, i could feel that you didn't even give your all, did you?
It was totally Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. She put in more effort than you right from the start. And your efforts ONLY intensified when she said those two words. Isn't that too late already, Joshua?
Compare your motivation and dedication now to a few months back - you were definitely more motivated and dedicated. But even that might not be enough now.
Is it because you think that she still loves you?
This can only mean one thing : If you had not done what you did earlier, my dear Joshua, you wouldn't have kissed the one you love goodbye.
Buck up Joshua !
Let me be somewhere in your heart... ):
Joshua, ask yourself, who ?
Dear Joshua,
who was the one who picked you up when you were sad?
who was the one who loves you so much?
who was the one who bought you food when you forgot to bring money or when you had no money?
who was the one who sends you home everyday?
who was the one who took care of you when you were sick?
who was the one who was tired after trainings but still came to find you?
who was the one who put towels on you when you had a high fever, and who was the one who never slept a wink while you were sick resting?
who was the one who bought you presents?
who hugs you?
who kisses you?
who massages you?
who was with you, rich or poor?
who went around finding dictionaries for your n-level exam?
who woke up at 6am just to go to school with you for exam?
who? who? who?
tell me who Joshua.
you had the ''audacity'' to compare her with someone else?
Fuck You i say.
You have the cheek to say, what were you thinking about?
Fuck You understand?
You might as well be off dead.
You realize your moment of folly now?
I say, fuck you understand?
No?
Fuck you again, understand?
Yes , fuck myself . please . thanks .
who was the one who picked you up when you were sad?
who was the one who loves you so much?
who was the one who bought you food when you forgot to bring money or when you had no money?
who was the one who sends you home everyday?
who was the one who took care of you when you were sick?
who was the one who was tired after trainings but still came to find you?
who was the one who put towels on you when you had a high fever, and who was the one who never slept a wink while you were sick resting?
who was the one who bought you presents?
who hugs you?
who kisses you?
who massages you?
who was with you, rich or poor?
who went around finding dictionaries for your n-level exam?
who woke up at 6am just to go to school with you for exam?
who? who? who?
tell me who Joshua.
you had the ''audacity'' to compare her with someone else?
Fuck You i say.
You have the cheek to say, what were you thinking about?
Fuck You understand?
You might as well be off dead.
You realize your moment of folly now?
I say, fuck you understand?
No?
Fuck you again, understand?
Yes , fuck myself . please . thanks .
Friday, December 4, 2009
P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E
Apparently, i have lived my whole life without receiving one very important piece of advice: '' Never let them see that you're hurting . ''
I have let my usually immaculate standards slip in the last few months, opening myself up to a widespread criticism of my conduct.
No one would have guessed that i was feeling the pressure, the sadness inside me, especially not in a girl like Cheryl, but now i have made it obvious to everyone.
My refusal to give up after my hopes and dreams were crushed all by one go was a serious error of judgement.
After that night, i told friends that i will never give up on her, despite feeling the pain, the agony left inside me.
If it was irrelevant to me, why did i get so upset? After all, i could have taken the higher ground, in the first place not neglecting Cheryl ( which caused things to turn out this way ) and would have been praised for my endeavour and then go to work that time without anyone giving it a second thought.
But now there is blood in the water. Now everyone knows that i am hurting.
My comments were foolish, a rare petulant slip from a boy who usually knows better than to feed an easy line.
If you've just been spanked at home by a girl, the last thing you would ever want to do is get jealous and upset over things, that's just asking for trouble. I have been in a relationship for long enough, and seems to know how this thing goes..
I seem to have a complex about everything. It's because they represent the greatest threat to my sophisticated utopia.
Either way, i should have worked harder to keep my feelings under wraps, instead of showing signs that i was heartbroken.
I may claim that i had every right to be upset and still live in the pain, that i never agreed to a break-up.
It shouldn't have mattered, right? I should have been a bigger man. But how to, with all the love left inside of me?
It has been long and obvious that i am exasperated with the increased pressure that is mounting over me all the time, many things.
I get short-tempered with anyone who speaks something bad about me now, i get angry with the short-termism of people's remarks about Cheryl.
Joshua wants to love Cheryl Ng forever.
Joshua wants a beautiful story of love with Cheryl Ng only, he wants the not-so wonderful world to know that, if he's given the time and the chance, he will take it and sooner or later it will all come together.
Until wednesday night, everyone assumed that i was dealing with the pressure. Now, everyone has a reason to doubt.
Joshua is hurting and everyone can see it.
I have let my usually immaculate standards slip in the last few months, opening myself up to a widespread criticism of my conduct.
No one would have guessed that i was feeling the pressure, the sadness inside me, especially not in a girl like Cheryl, but now i have made it obvious to everyone.
My refusal to give up after my hopes and dreams were crushed all by one go was a serious error of judgement.
After that night, i told friends that i will never give up on her, despite feeling the pain, the agony left inside me.
If it was irrelevant to me, why did i get so upset? After all, i could have taken the higher ground, in the first place not neglecting Cheryl ( which caused things to turn out this way ) and would have been praised for my endeavour and then go to work that time without anyone giving it a second thought.
But now there is blood in the water. Now everyone knows that i am hurting.
My comments were foolish, a rare petulant slip from a boy who usually knows better than to feed an easy line.
If you've just been spanked at home by a girl, the last thing you would ever want to do is get jealous and upset over things, that's just asking for trouble. I have been in a relationship for long enough, and seems to know how this thing goes..
I seem to have a complex about everything. It's because they represent the greatest threat to my sophisticated utopia.
Either way, i should have worked harder to keep my feelings under wraps, instead of showing signs that i was heartbroken.
I may claim that i had every right to be upset and still live in the pain, that i never agreed to a break-up.
It shouldn't have mattered, right? I should have been a bigger man. But how to, with all the love left inside of me?
It has been long and obvious that i am exasperated with the increased pressure that is mounting over me all the time, many things.
I get short-tempered with anyone who speaks something bad about me now, i get angry with the short-termism of people's remarks about Cheryl.
Joshua wants to love Cheryl Ng forever.
Joshua wants a beautiful story of love with Cheryl Ng only, he wants the not-so wonderful world to know that, if he's given the time and the chance, he will take it and sooner or later it will all come together.
Until wednesday night, everyone assumed that i was dealing with the pressure. Now, everyone has a reason to doubt.
Joshua is hurting and everyone can see it.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The special date and hours which means everything to me...
The words '' i love you '' are not for anyone to say from their mouth to their beloved ones... It's a feeling where you can whisper to each other without saying aloud from heart-to-heart...
Do you hear my whispers? I have never stopped loving you..
When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between your fingers, remember that in those spaces you will see my fingers locked with yours forever..
When you feel alone, just look over your shoulders... I'll always be there, to catch you when you fall...
You will never be alone in the nights, cause i will be there for you.
Love without pain is just a crush. Love is felt when a heart is crushed.
Loving without pain is never true-love, it is just a crush..
Love is felt when a heart is crushed because of all the love left inside...
Do you know how much love you left inside of me ?
It takes a second to say i love you but a lifetime to show it.
I am willing to. Will you ever let me to?
Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build till the end...
Will you build with me till the end....?
Love is letting go of the one you love, hoping that they will come back to you when they realize what they have lost..
Perhaps you let me go because you loved me, but i've come back to you, because i realized what i have lost....
ahn yew em Cheryl Ng Li Jia..
but do you know how much?
A heart that is left heartbroken is the heart that has felt love... ^^ So i rather remain heartbroken..
Loving you always, like i have always did...
With all my love to Cheryl Ng Li Jia (:
Love Me.
Joshua Yeap.
Do you hear my whispers? I have never stopped loving you..
When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between your fingers, remember that in those spaces you will see my fingers locked with yours forever..
When you feel alone, just look over your shoulders... I'll always be there, to catch you when you fall...
You will never be alone in the nights, cause i will be there for you.
Love without pain is just a crush. Love is felt when a heart is crushed.
Loving without pain is never true-love, it is just a crush..
Love is felt when a heart is crushed because of all the love left inside...
Do you know how much love you left inside of me ?
It takes a second to say i love you but a lifetime to show it.
I am willing to. Will you ever let me to?
Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build till the end...
Will you build with me till the end....?
Love is letting go of the one you love, hoping that they will come back to you when they realize what they have lost..
Perhaps you let me go because you loved me, but i've come back to you, because i realized what i have lost....
ahn yew em Cheryl Ng Li Jia..
but do you know how much?
A heart that is left heartbroken is the heart that has felt love... ^^ So i rather remain heartbroken..
Loving you always, like i have always did...
With all my love to Cheryl Ng Li Jia (:
Love Me.
Joshua Yeap.
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